I have experienced this quite frequently, mostly with women. What’s particularly painful about it is that they refuse to process WHY you think what you do, which could lead to a better understanding. To my mind, it makes no sense whatsoever to promote transgender as a belief system. It’s obviously harmful. Yet most people I know have no idea what they’re supporting, while I’ve done the deep dive and listening to me could be very enlightening. Evidence upon evidence that this is running off the rails.
I had a friend tell me what Jordan Peterson thinks. I asked if she’d heard HIM say that. Nope. When I tried to clarify she practically threw me out of the car. A cousin blocked me on Facebook for presenting the context of Trump’s “bloodbath.”
These are moral narcissists and if not that, women in my experience are more susceptible to shutting out information; this probably explains separate colleges, which has been suggested to return to given female dominated universities are now overrun by feelings culture.
It’s ironic how little they can take while insisting they should be running the world. But you can’t run the world fairly if you won’t listen to the other side.
Yep. Lost my bestie over it. One of her partner's kids really wants to get his d*ck cut off, and my kid went through a period of being enby. We both struggled with the issue and came out on different sides of it, and she just stopped communicating. Her partner is utterly captured, his son is using all of the manipulation tactics on him including claiming to have attempted suicide. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt & say the partner must have forced her to choose between his family & me, but I don't know what actually happened. It's REALLY tough.
My brother is also on the other side, but thankfully it hasn't cost us the relationship. It's been sobering and edifying to see the cult's influence close-up on an otherwise-rational liberal who sees himself as highly enlightened. Every response from him, regardless of what point I'm making about fairness in competitive sport or negative side-effects of puberty blockers or what have you, amounts to "OMG the poor trans people have it so hard, they didn't choose this". Every. Single. Time.
Yes. Maddening, terrifying, infuriating, all of it. Sorry you're going through this too.
And yes, the "poor transpeople" message has been extremely effective at blocking out women's voices. I usually say things like "I'm speaking up for girls and women. Someone has to."
Here's a quote that comes to mind from a previous article of mine: (Riddle: What Is an XY, High-Testosterone Boxer?):
<<“Center us, center women, and the answers are clear,” advises [Olympic champion and attorney] Nancy Hogshead.
Let’s start by sympathizing with the girls and women who, at all ages and levels of sport, are being forced to compete against boys and men – or drop out. Don’t allow your sympathy for males with medical anomalies, nor for males who want to be “affirmed as women,” to overshadow girls’ and womens’ rights to develop their athletic competence and confidence in fair and safe environments.>>
Not saying that's a magic solution. Just offering sympathy, support, and this strategy: Center women.
My brief take on this… your slammer friend doens’t want to be challenged in her beliefs. She is angry because you make good, valid points but she doesn’t want to consider them because that would make her “wrong” and possibly diminish her “calling.”
Hi DP, thanks so much. Glad you've given up fixing relationships and people. And glad you mentioned fixing people in that same sentence. I just now made the connection with an Al-Anon or Adult Children of Alcoholics behavior of trying to fix people, trying to make peace. I knew it was problematic in that context - people don't need to be fixed, can't be, and it's not my job - but now I see the similarity with fixing relationships. Cool insight. Thank you!
I really feel for you Mariah - all the more so because I have a serial slammer in my life too. To lose a friend on ideological grounds must be even more devastating, I'd imagine. But I really hope you keep writing!
Hi Petula. Thank you - and sorry about your serial slammer too. As for writing… one of many rewards is hearing my own ideas & language taking in and used & improved upon by readers. Serial slammer, for instance. Good phrase! I’m (we’re) just getting started. 😀
I think the *seeming* "vunerable and victimized" part is the crux here for most people who just cannot let even a little bit of reality in on this issue. The framing of the narrative as one of "literal violence" is brilliant b/c, of course, what *good* person (especially women, talk about *actual* gender) would deliberately hurt people? And when you make it about their very *lives*, well yeah, how would any of us respond if someone asked us to stop hurting them, especially not to "make" them kill themselves? (Until we had the light bulb moment of, "Oh wait, in any other context, that's manipulative gaslighting...")
I really loved how you addressed this in the piece about the biologically male boxer(s) in the female Olympic events. It's possible to feel compassion at someone's (perceived) individual situation and still say, nope not putting your individual feelings above the interests of an entire group of people. You are much kinder than I; as you say, a connector. I appreciate your efforts. 💛
Ha, well, I'm not sure I'm kinder than you but appreciate your KIND support! :-) I also appreciate your commentary about the "seeming vulnerable and victimized part." And heck yes to the manipulative gaslighting analysis.
As for the male boxers in women's events, which I'll link below in case others missed it, I do think it's important to keep our hearts open as much as we can, despite the totally justifiable anger this topic can generate.
If we can manage to keep an open heart, then we receive this reward: We have an open heart. :-)
So happy to be friends with you Mariah! You are not afraid of anything I think. Especially hard conversations. The only way to figure things out like transgender issues is to figure them out. Not slam the door.
Hi Jeannie, Ha, well, that may be true. "More courage than common sense" is how I sometimes think about that when things go wrong, lol. Or that the results I seek - connection, yes, and also truth - outweigh my fears. Anyway I'm so happy to be friends with you, too!
This is an outcry and fundamental problem with living in the binary of patriarchy. First, there was the fight just for us as women which you valiantly fought to have for the right to play sports and compete. Second, then there was to maintain it and continue to raise the barre on financial compensation. Thank you for all of that you have contributed to and fought for us! Now, more recently, your friend who is an ally championing the trans community to be able to compete has no real sustainable category within this male/female binary. By our own very socialized existence, we are pitted against each other, leaving no room for anything else outside the construct which is what your friend seemingly feels. It’s not about one being a connector or not, but about the disconnect of not having room at the table as a transgender person wanting to compete, just as we wanted physical education and sports to be available for us. We are working within the patriarchal construct because that is what we have in every aspect of our lives, including sports. You are trying to connect and your former friend finds this impossible because there isn’t a space for her trans allies in the female category that you rightfully worked so very hard for. There isn’t space I understand because female by birth is encroached upon in an unfair, unjust way which you and others have no intention to want to share. I get this, but because we are so busy fighting for breadcrumbs and not setting up an alternative reality where we can all compete and celebrate our athleticism, we are missing the real sociopathy of the problem which is the disconnect of not embracing our fellow human athletes to shine as well. Let’s rethink our patriarchal binary that we live in and shift this paradigm to make space. It would bring your friendship back and third time is a charm!
I'm not reconciling and fortunately I've got plenty of other friends and family, including you! :-)
Yes to thinking outside the box. Yes to empowering women and girls and making space for all. Yes to seeing the patriarchy clearly.
But... the patriarchy didn't create the binary of women and men; nature did (for all mammals).
And we already have a sports system that's pretty darn inclusive, if you leave aside economic injustice just for the sake of this conversation. It's not complicated. Men already have a category, regardless of how they identify.
As noted (thank you!), I've been speaking up for girls and women for a long time, and we're far from equal rights in sports. No need to chip away at those gains in the name of trying to include people who have an unfair advantage over us.
Let's train men to accept men in dresses, or men who call themselves trans, instead. That's the category they belong in, because sports are based on bodies, not identities.
As the proud mother of a trans man, I am BEGGING people not to behave in the obnoxious, irrational, and sanctimonious way that your "friend" behaved. She is HARMING trans people when she does this. Sex is real; biology matters; trans men are not the same as men, & trans women are not the same as women. All of that is perfectly true and NOT harmful to trans people. At all. When people like your former friend bully people into denying reality, they are fueling a BACKLASH against trans people. Tell your friend that if she gives a damn about trans people she will stop this insanity.
Hi Mariah, it's been awhile. I'm sorry about the conflict between you and your friend; it hurts just reading about it. Take care of yourself. As a lesbian and an athlete, I struggle with the fight within my own head. I strive to be inclusive; I want others to feel accepted and safe. I also row competitively and would not be happy if I or one of my teammates lost their seat to an athlete who is trans. I want all opportunities open to women and girls to compete. I get pulled in both directions. Be well
Yes, fun to see your name pop up. I love rowing. Met my wife in a boathouse. :-)
Thanks for the comment about the lost friendship. I used to struggle over the issue, too. Then I remembered who girls and women are, and why we have a female sports category. The entire reason it exists is to exclude men. So the word inclusive is very misleading, and at time manipulative, in that context. The 12-year-old sports category exists to exclude 14-year-olds. The 70-74 category exists to exclude 55-year-olds. The way inclusion happens is, everyone gets a category. Each category deliberately excludes others.
The category for people with male bodies is the men's category. We can call it open, or we can create new categories if they don't end up offering men more prize money, opportunities, etc than women... but the women's category is just for XX. Us! I'm sure you've thought about this. Hope you don't feel like I'm lecturing you. I think you're saying you agree - why should a woman give up her seat in your boat?
I think you draw the line at who is actually a woman. When we call men women just because they believe it or want to be (and I do respect that it's a strong desire), it ends up chipping away at actual women's rights.
Anyway thanks for writing and posing good questions!
The person I love most in the world is trans (my son is a trans man) And there is nothing hateful about acknowledging that trans women are not the same as women. Trans women are male, and that will always make a difference. But different does not have to mean less. In fact, I am praying for the day when both trans men and trans women will celebrate the fact that they are different from their "cis" counterparts, instead of denying it and looking like delusional fools.
Just as people point out that sexuality and gender identity is not binary, neither is the argument you describe. The two of you have different views, yes. But both those views come from caring and looking out for people, not hate. You seem to appreciate this but Slammer does not. I’m just some rando who saw this essay pop up in his feed, I’m not going to pretend I’m even remotely qualified to referee the situation (not like you’d want me to, I’m merely acknowledging it). I will however say that we’d get farther along in our society if we could stop tossing each other into angel/devil pigeonholes, as apparently you were.
While I essentially agree with what you've said, I consider the whole gender ideology debate to be one that definitely does divide people... those that recognise the fact that biological sex is binary based on scientific observation of the entire evolution of mammals, and those that are putting their weight behind an Ideology that is doing way more harm than good, irreversible, far reaching harm to many many groups including trans people. Rather than "tossing each other into angel/devil pigeonholes" as you see it, us gender criticals are now feeling that when we're talking to people who ignore evolutionary biology completely, we can no longer trust anything they say.
There are no angels and devils in this conflict, only science, facts and common sense versus Ideology, greed, lies, agendas and virtue signalling.
I view the ideologists as being in my way, and am happy to tell them to move.
Thank you Sam! Could not agree more. I appreciate your observation about both of us doing our best to care & look out for others. Very good point. Thanks for writing. You do not seem like a rando to me. 😀 Glad U came upon the story & took time to write.
Yeah, I hear similar things from the moms/grandmas I run with, who have been "progressive" and preached "inclusion" their whole lives. One who "just wants everyone to be happy" and another who is a big womens' sports fans and thinks it's fine, because there was this one boy who played on the girls' field hockey team in high school. I see them as people standing waist deep in rising water but denying there is a flood.
Women's community has always been an important part of my life, it's a precious thing. It breaks my heart that it is being threatened, and gone in some places.
Sadly, the older I get the more it seems to me that the left (especially the progressive? Or far left?) more often than not tends to be in denial of reality in demand of idealism. The world isn’t an ideal place.
The "I just want everyone to be happy" line is pure moral cowardice. 99% of trans women/girls do NOT want to highlight their masculinity by competing against biological females. This minority of narcissistic people are doing serious harm to trans people who just want to live quietly while looking as much like the opposite sex as possible. Stealing trophies from female athletes is about the most publicly "male" thing they could do, and they are costing the majority of trans people all of the goodwill they once had. This infuriates me because my son is a trans man (does anyone think he wants to go to a men's prison or play on a men's sports team?) With "friends" like trans activists, trans people do not need enemies.
"Stealing trophies from female athletes is about the most publicly "male" thing they could do, and they are costing the majority of trans people all of the goodwill they once had." - Good point. And good point about your son. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks, TPOP. :-) And that one field hockey boy took a girl's place. So if the boys had 12 spots on the boys' team, plus one on the girls' team, then 13 boys got to play, and only 11 girls. And we already have one million few HS opportunities. You probably know all that. Thanks for also letting me know you're having some related conversations and observations.
I do know, of course, I could probably lead a powerpoint on gender, DSD's, etc.. I peaked in 2015, when Bruce Jenner was celebrated & Rachel Dolezal was vilified, and I couldn't see a difference between what the two were doing. And it was then that I started hearing from moms whose daughters were requesting to wear binders, and I thought, this is a social contagion, and it's not healthy...and well, here we are.
I haven't lost any friends but I'm sure some acquaintances have distanced themselves. And the two I mentioned...I'm waiting for them to admit I was right. It may never happen. The landscape has shifted quite a bit in the past ten years.
This is an insightful and poignant piece, Mariah. I recently talked to my oldest daughter who at 33yo was going through her first experience having to initiate what she called a “friendship breakup”. She was struggling with how to let them down kindly but firmly, and without resorting to therapy speak she got from, well, therapy. The advice I offered was to find the guts to tell her that she needed to move on, and also why. I believe that’s the healthiest (and kindest) for both parties when not precipitated by a specific malicious act. What we also landed on was grief, another topic I’ve learned a lot about from you over the years. I expect you and Slammer are both experiencing grief, and I’m sending hugs and condolences your way as you process the end of that long season of friendship. I’ve been there, too, and it’s not easy. 🥺
Hi Rhonda, Yes, friendship breakup is a good term for it, and some similar rules of conduct should apply, seems to me. Glad you were able to counsel your daughter while supporting her to move on - and grieve.
Nice to hear our conversations about grief have been meaningful. I didn't know that. Funny - I once had a friend long ago, in my early 20s, who said I inspired her to start swimming and get fit. Really? I thought? How did that happen? Seriously, I was surprised. Guess I thought I'd have to preach somehow if I were going to influence others. Isn't it always nice to know that just by being ourselves, other people sometimes benefit? I've learned a lot from you, too. :-)
Warm hugs, Mariah, and good on you for trying to maintain the relationship for so long. It's also healthy to finally let go, when it becomes too much. Sending good energy...
It sounds like this is a pre-existing strategy with her but trans activism actively encourages cutting people out who are not on board. So she is getting a lot of reinforcement for doing this outside of the context of your friendship history. Trans activism really is a cult and uses cult tactics: you are a “suppressive person” as the Scientologists would say. I do think cults tend to give weak people permission to act out nastily in ways they would otherwise be afraid to behave, which is part of why they attract loyalty. On the other hand they are predatory and fill people with shame in part by encouraging them to behave badly. It is a mixed bag in terms feeling sympathy for cult followers.
“ I do think cults tend to give weak people permission to act out nastily in ways they would otherwise be afraid to behave, which is part of why they attract loyalty. On the other hand they are predatory and fill people with shame in part by encouraging them to behave badly.” Wow, reminded me of Mao’s cultural revolution. 😳
I’m sorry about your friend but it sounds like it’s a pattern with her: storm off in a huff then return contrite. Repeat. Who needs a “friend” like this?
Hi Frau Katze, Yes. Just took me a while to get there, and my vision (or cost/benefit analysis, some might say) was clouded by positive experiences, memories and ongoing enjoyment - but you're right, and I appreciate the support. :-)
I have experienced this quite frequently, mostly with women. What’s particularly painful about it is that they refuse to process WHY you think what you do, which could lead to a better understanding. To my mind, it makes no sense whatsoever to promote transgender as a belief system. It’s obviously harmful. Yet most people I know have no idea what they’re supporting, while I’ve done the deep dive and listening to me could be very enlightening. Evidence upon evidence that this is running off the rails.
I had a friend tell me what Jordan Peterson thinks. I asked if she’d heard HIM say that. Nope. When I tried to clarify she practically threw me out of the car. A cousin blocked me on Facebook for presenting the context of Trump’s “bloodbath.”
These are moral narcissists and if not that, women in my experience are more susceptible to shutting out information; this probably explains separate colleges, which has been suggested to return to given female dominated universities are now overrun by feelings culture.
It’s ironic how little they can take while insisting they should be running the world. But you can’t run the world fairly if you won’t listen to the other side.
Yep. Lost my bestie over it. One of her partner's kids really wants to get his d*ck cut off, and my kid went through a period of being enby. We both struggled with the issue and came out on different sides of it, and she just stopped communicating. Her partner is utterly captured, his son is using all of the manipulation tactics on him including claiming to have attempted suicide. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt & say the partner must have forced her to choose between his family & me, but I don't know what actually happened. It's REALLY tough.
My brother is also on the other side, but thankfully it hasn't cost us the relationship. It's been sobering and edifying to see the cult's influence close-up on an otherwise-rational liberal who sees himself as highly enlightened. Every response from him, regardless of what point I'm making about fairness in competitive sport or negative side-effects of puberty blockers or what have you, amounts to "OMG the poor trans people have it so hard, they didn't choose this". Every. Single. Time.
It's maddening.
Yes. Maddening, terrifying, infuriating, all of it. Sorry you're going through this too.
And yes, the "poor transpeople" message has been extremely effective at blocking out women's voices. I usually say things like "I'm speaking up for girls and women. Someone has to."
Here's a quote that comes to mind from a previous article of mine: (Riddle: What Is an XY, High-Testosterone Boxer?):
<<“Center us, center women, and the answers are clear,” advises [Olympic champion and attorney] Nancy Hogshead.
Let’s start by sympathizing with the girls and women who, at all ages and levels of sport, are being forced to compete against boys and men – or drop out. Don’t allow your sympathy for males with medical anomalies, nor for males who want to be “affirmed as women,” to overshadow girls’ and womens’ rights to develop their athletic competence and confidence in fair and safe environments.>>
Not saying that's a magic solution. Just offering sympathy, support, and this strategy: Center women.
My brief take on this… your slammer friend doens’t want to be challenged in her beliefs. She is angry because you make good, valid points but she doesn’t want to consider them because that would make her “wrong” and possibly diminish her “calling.”
Yes. It’s like a religion.
Mya Angelou’s quote and trying to fix relationships or people. Yep 👍 me too. Learning life lessons the hard way. I’ve given it up for lent 🤪😆
You wrote a great article, thanks for sharing.
Hi DP, thanks so much. Glad you've given up fixing relationships and people. And glad you mentioned fixing people in that same sentence. I just now made the connection with an Al-Anon or Adult Children of Alcoholics behavior of trying to fix people, trying to make peace. I knew it was problematic in that context - people don't need to be fixed, can't be, and it's not my job - but now I see the similarity with fixing relationships. Cool insight. Thank you!
I really feel for you Mariah - all the more so because I have a serial slammer in my life too. To lose a friend on ideological grounds must be even more devastating, I'd imagine. But I really hope you keep writing!
Hi Petula. Thank you - and sorry about your serial slammer too. As for writing… one of many rewards is hearing my own ideas & language taking in and used & improved upon by readers. Serial slammer, for instance. Good phrase! I’m (we’re) just getting started. 😀
I think the *seeming* "vunerable and victimized" part is the crux here for most people who just cannot let even a little bit of reality in on this issue. The framing of the narrative as one of "literal violence" is brilliant b/c, of course, what *good* person (especially women, talk about *actual* gender) would deliberately hurt people? And when you make it about their very *lives*, well yeah, how would any of us respond if someone asked us to stop hurting them, especially not to "make" them kill themselves? (Until we had the light bulb moment of, "Oh wait, in any other context, that's manipulative gaslighting...")
I really loved how you addressed this in the piece about the biologically male boxer(s) in the female Olympic events. It's possible to feel compassion at someone's (perceived) individual situation and still say, nope not putting your individual feelings above the interests of an entire group of people. You are much kinder than I; as you say, a connector. I appreciate your efforts. 💛
Ha, well, I'm not sure I'm kinder than you but appreciate your KIND support! :-) I also appreciate your commentary about the "seeming vulnerable and victimized part." And heck yes to the manipulative gaslighting analysis.
As for the male boxers in women's events, which I'll link below in case others missed it, I do think it's important to keep our hearts open as much as we can, despite the totally justifiable anger this topic can generate.
If we can manage to keep an open heart, then we receive this reward: We have an open heart. :-)
https://strongerwomen.substack.com/p/riddle-what-is-an-xy-high-testosterone?r=1p665w
So happy to be friends with you Mariah! You are not afraid of anything I think. Especially hard conversations. The only way to figure things out like transgender issues is to figure them out. Not slam the door.
Hi Jeannie, Ha, well, that may be true. "More courage than common sense" is how I sometimes think about that when things go wrong, lol. Or that the results I seek - connection, yes, and also truth - outweigh my fears. Anyway I'm so happy to be friends with you, too!
This is an outcry and fundamental problem with living in the binary of patriarchy. First, there was the fight just for us as women which you valiantly fought to have for the right to play sports and compete. Second, then there was to maintain it and continue to raise the barre on financial compensation. Thank you for all of that you have contributed to and fought for us! Now, more recently, your friend who is an ally championing the trans community to be able to compete has no real sustainable category within this male/female binary. By our own very socialized existence, we are pitted against each other, leaving no room for anything else outside the construct which is what your friend seemingly feels. It’s not about one being a connector or not, but about the disconnect of not having room at the table as a transgender person wanting to compete, just as we wanted physical education and sports to be available for us. We are working within the patriarchal construct because that is what we have in every aspect of our lives, including sports. You are trying to connect and your former friend finds this impossible because there isn’t a space for her trans allies in the female category that you rightfully worked so very hard for. There isn’t space I understand because female by birth is encroached upon in an unfair, unjust way which you and others have no intention to want to share. I get this, but because we are so busy fighting for breadcrumbs and not setting up an alternative reality where we can all compete and celebrate our athleticism, we are missing the real sociopathy of the problem which is the disconnect of not embracing our fellow human athletes to shine as well. Let’s rethink our patriarchal binary that we live in and shift this paradigm to make space. It would bring your friendship back and third time is a charm!
Ha - hey Angel,
I'm not reconciling and fortunately I've got plenty of other friends and family, including you! :-)
Yes to thinking outside the box. Yes to empowering women and girls and making space for all. Yes to seeing the patriarchy clearly.
But... the patriarchy didn't create the binary of women and men; nature did (for all mammals).
And we already have a sports system that's pretty darn inclusive, if you leave aside economic injustice just for the sake of this conversation. It's not complicated. Men already have a category, regardless of how they identify.
As noted (thank you!), I've been speaking up for girls and women for a long time, and we're far from equal rights in sports. No need to chip away at those gains in the name of trying to include people who have an unfair advantage over us.
Let's train men to accept men in dresses, or men who call themselves trans, instead. That's the category they belong in, because sports are based on bodies, not identities.
Anyway great to hear from you!
As the proud mother of a trans man, I am BEGGING people not to behave in the obnoxious, irrational, and sanctimonious way that your "friend" behaved. She is HARMING trans people when she does this. Sex is real; biology matters; trans men are not the same as men, & trans women are not the same as women. All of that is perfectly true and NOT harmful to trans people. At all. When people like your former friend bully people into denying reality, they are fueling a BACKLASH against trans people. Tell your friend that if she gives a damn about trans people she will stop this insanity.
Hi Penny, I totally agree about the backlash - but it means more coming from you. Thanks so much for sharing.
Hi Mariah, it's been awhile. I'm sorry about the conflict between you and your friend; it hurts just reading about it. Take care of yourself. As a lesbian and an athlete, I struggle with the fight within my own head. I strive to be inclusive; I want others to feel accepted and safe. I also row competitively and would not be happy if I or one of my teammates lost their seat to an athlete who is trans. I want all opportunities open to women and girls to compete. I get pulled in both directions. Be well
Hi Dee,
Yes, fun to see your name pop up. I love rowing. Met my wife in a boathouse. :-)
Thanks for the comment about the lost friendship. I used to struggle over the issue, too. Then I remembered who girls and women are, and why we have a female sports category. The entire reason it exists is to exclude men. So the word inclusive is very misleading, and at time manipulative, in that context. The 12-year-old sports category exists to exclude 14-year-olds. The 70-74 category exists to exclude 55-year-olds. The way inclusion happens is, everyone gets a category. Each category deliberately excludes others.
The category for people with male bodies is the men's category. We can call it open, or we can create new categories if they don't end up offering men more prize money, opportunities, etc than women... but the women's category is just for XX. Us! I'm sure you've thought about this. Hope you don't feel like I'm lecturing you. I think you're saying you agree - why should a woman give up her seat in your boat?
I forgot to say that I do see trans women as women, but I do believe that some have an advantage in sport and where do you draw the line?
I think you draw the line at who is actually a woman. When we call men women just because they believe it or want to be (and I do respect that it's a strong desire), it ends up chipping away at actual women's rights.
Anyway thanks for writing and posing good questions!
Truth Spoken Mariah !!
Thanks, Brad.
The person I love most in the world is trans (my son is a trans man) And there is nothing hateful about acknowledging that trans women are not the same as women. Trans women are male, and that will always make a difference. But different does not have to mean less. In fact, I am praying for the day when both trans men and trans women will celebrate the fact that they are different from their "cis" counterparts, instead of denying it and looking like delusional fools.
Bingo! Different is okay! Of course this is welcome coming from you as a parent. Thanks so much for sharing this, Penny.
Just as people point out that sexuality and gender identity is not binary, neither is the argument you describe. The two of you have different views, yes. But both those views come from caring and looking out for people, not hate. You seem to appreciate this but Slammer does not. I’m just some rando who saw this essay pop up in his feed, I’m not going to pretend I’m even remotely qualified to referee the situation (not like you’d want me to, I’m merely acknowledging it). I will however say that we’d get farther along in our society if we could stop tossing each other into angel/devil pigeonholes, as apparently you were.
While I essentially agree with what you've said, I consider the whole gender ideology debate to be one that definitely does divide people... those that recognise the fact that biological sex is binary based on scientific observation of the entire evolution of mammals, and those that are putting their weight behind an Ideology that is doing way more harm than good, irreversible, far reaching harm to many many groups including trans people. Rather than "tossing each other into angel/devil pigeonholes" as you see it, us gender criticals are now feeling that when we're talking to people who ignore evolutionary biology completely, we can no longer trust anything they say.
There are no angels and devils in this conflict, only science, facts and common sense versus Ideology, greed, lies, agendas and virtue signalling.
I view the ideologists as being in my way, and am happy to tell them to move.
Thank you Sam! Could not agree more. I appreciate your observation about both of us doing our best to care & look out for others. Very good point. Thanks for writing. You do not seem like a rando to me. 😀 Glad U came upon the story & took time to write.
Yeah, I hear similar things from the moms/grandmas I run with, who have been "progressive" and preached "inclusion" their whole lives. One who "just wants everyone to be happy" and another who is a big womens' sports fans and thinks it's fine, because there was this one boy who played on the girls' field hockey team in high school. I see them as people standing waist deep in rising water but denying there is a flood.
Women's community has always been an important part of my life, it's a precious thing. It breaks my heart that it is being threatened, and gone in some places.
Sadly, the older I get the more it seems to me that the left (especially the progressive? Or far left?) more often than not tends to be in denial of reality in demand of idealism. The world isn’t an ideal place.
The "I just want everyone to be happy" line is pure moral cowardice. 99% of trans women/girls do NOT want to highlight their masculinity by competing against biological females. This minority of narcissistic people are doing serious harm to trans people who just want to live quietly while looking as much like the opposite sex as possible. Stealing trophies from female athletes is about the most publicly "male" thing they could do, and they are costing the majority of trans people all of the goodwill they once had. This infuriates me because my son is a trans man (does anyone think he wants to go to a men's prison or play on a men's sports team?) With "friends" like trans activists, trans people do not need enemies.
"Stealing trophies from female athletes is about the most publicly "male" thing they could do, and they are costing the majority of trans people all of the goodwill they once had." - Good point. And good point about your son. Thanks for sharing.
Absolutely
Thanks, TPOP. :-) And that one field hockey boy took a girl's place. So if the boys had 12 spots on the boys' team, plus one on the girls' team, then 13 boys got to play, and only 11 girls. And we already have one million few HS opportunities. You probably know all that. Thanks for also letting me know you're having some related conversations and observations.
I do know, of course, I could probably lead a powerpoint on gender, DSD's, etc.. I peaked in 2015, when Bruce Jenner was celebrated & Rachel Dolezal was vilified, and I couldn't see a difference between what the two were doing. And it was then that I started hearing from moms whose daughters were requesting to wear binders, and I thought, this is a social contagion, and it's not healthy...and well, here we are.
I haven't lost any friends but I'm sure some acquaintances have distanced themselves. And the two I mentioned...I'm waiting for them to admit I was right. It may never happen. The landscape has shifted quite a bit in the past ten years.
Yes, and it's still shifting wildly beneath our feet. Hang on and stand firm! :-)
This is an insightful and poignant piece, Mariah. I recently talked to my oldest daughter who at 33yo was going through her first experience having to initiate what she called a “friendship breakup”. She was struggling with how to let them down kindly but firmly, and without resorting to therapy speak she got from, well, therapy. The advice I offered was to find the guts to tell her that she needed to move on, and also why. I believe that’s the healthiest (and kindest) for both parties when not precipitated by a specific malicious act. What we also landed on was grief, another topic I’ve learned a lot about from you over the years. I expect you and Slammer are both experiencing grief, and I’m sending hugs and condolences your way as you process the end of that long season of friendship. I’ve been there, too, and it’s not easy. 🥺
Hi Rhonda, Yes, friendship breakup is a good term for it, and some similar rules of conduct should apply, seems to me. Glad you were able to counsel your daughter while supporting her to move on - and grieve.
Nice to hear our conversations about grief have been meaningful. I didn't know that. Funny - I once had a friend long ago, in my early 20s, who said I inspired her to start swimming and get fit. Really? I thought? How did that happen? Seriously, I was surprised. Guess I thought I'd have to preach somehow if I were going to influence others. Isn't it always nice to know that just by being ourselves, other people sometimes benefit? I've learned a lot from you, too. :-)
Warm hugs, Mariah, and good on you for trying to maintain the relationship for so long. It's also healthy to finally let go, when it becomes too much. Sending good energy...
It sounds like this is a pre-existing strategy with her but trans activism actively encourages cutting people out who are not on board. So she is getting a lot of reinforcement for doing this outside of the context of your friendship history. Trans activism really is a cult and uses cult tactics: you are a “suppressive person” as the Scientologists would say. I do think cults tend to give weak people permission to act out nastily in ways they would otherwise be afraid to behave, which is part of why they attract loyalty. On the other hand they are predatory and fill people with shame in part by encouraging them to behave badly. It is a mixed bag in terms feeling sympathy for cult followers.
“ I do think cults tend to give weak people permission to act out nastily in ways they would otherwise be afraid to behave, which is part of why they attract loyalty. On the other hand they are predatory and fill people with shame in part by encouraging them to behave badly.” Wow, reminded me of Mao’s cultural revolution. 😳
I’m sorry about your friend but it sounds like it’s a pattern with her: storm off in a huff then return contrite. Repeat. Who needs a “friend” like this?
Hi Frau Katze, Yes. Just took me a while to get there, and my vision (or cost/benefit analysis, some might say) was clouded by positive experiences, memories and ongoing enjoyment - but you're right, and I appreciate the support. :-)