What a great post. I remember being benched in every sport in junior high I tried out for. Basketball was the worst for me. Most useless player. Volleyball I loved but was never great, just, middle of the pack. Team sport coordination was tough for me. I didn't find my stride until I got into karate. "You mean, with these pads on my hands and feet, I can just, attack that guy over there?" Suddenly, I was good at something!
What experiences and memories you have. Thanks for sharing!
"You mean, with these pads on my hands and feet, I can just, attack that guy over there?" Ha. Love it that you found that liberating and hit your stride, as well as lots of guys, there.
And to each her own - that would never appeal to me but I love it that there are options for everyone. And yes, finally sitting on the bench at the end of my career gave me LOTS of sympathy for athletes who had been through this at younger, more tender ages. So glad you kept trying new stuff and now know the joys of physical competence and success.
Chatted with my brother-in-law Chris about this story over the holidays.
He said, "So you were the backup center, right?"
Right.
"That's not really the same as sitting on the bench, is it?" Hm. Good point. Felt the same to me - such a demotion from college stardom - but reframing it this way actually helped. I wasn't quite a "bench" player. I was the backup center. I was miserable about it, but maybe it wasn't quite as awful a demotion as it felt like.
Sometimes it take DECADES to process experiences and feelings! LOL.
And thanks for talking about...THE INJURIES. Not enough athletes talk about them, or they downplay them.
My sport was track and I was good. But like you say here, you are sort of promoted until you can't be promoted any longer. So, when I was younger, I thought I was the "best in the world" and I had sponsorship, so, of course, that fed the feeling.
I know I thought I was the best until I started to run with...well, the best. Girls who could run like the wind, or so it seemed to me. (Some of whom weren't getting sponsorships or the attention I was because I was more marketable, so that set the stage for resentment, and I just trotted myself around thinking 'Don't hate the player, hate the game' sort of thoughts. Definitely NOT minimizing any resentment. haha).
A LOT goes on behind-the-scenes of female sports, and you are also touching upon that in your article.
So, yes, there is definitely INTRA-group competition going on, and depending on your sport, it can be OUTSIDE of the game, too.
I can relate to this so much! I grew up playing baseball. It was my life. I was really good at pitching. I split lips with my fastball when I played for fun (oops). But when I wanted to join a team, my mom got talked out of it because I was a girl. At 11 years old, I was just as good as - and sometimes better than - the boys. And girls were allowed to play. But she won and I got put in softball instead.
I had no idea I would suck so much. The ball came at a different angle and it took me months to get a hit. Since I loved pitching in baseball I thought I'd try (I played fast pitch) and so I went to a pitching clinic but then after all that, I couldn't even get the ball over the plate. It was totally different, different muscles, everything. So instead of playing a fun position I got stuck in right field. In softball, getting stuck in right field is like being benched lol you don't get any action and only the slow/bad players get put there.
I was a perfectionist and was usually really good at everything I tried so it was extra disappointing and I quit after 2 years. When I was 41, I finally learned why I couldn't pitch even after being taught... turns out the pitching clinic my coach sent me to was for kids younger than me by 2 years, and that age group isn't taught to use their hips for power... so I never learned the actual mechanics. I bought a net and started pitching with what I had just learned (thanks YouTube) and was amazed at how easy it was... but I was equally mad that I was never taught correctly when it mattered. I've never sucked so much at anything in my life! I went from people saying I had a great arm and people backing up when I got up to bat in baseball, to being lucky if I could get one hit during a game in softball.
What a story. So familiar to many women: being denied access to the sports we are drawn to… and not being properly coached and taught. Glad you survived all that and taught yourself. Also, you got to learn what it feels like to fail, in a sense: to lack the easy grace & ability you had come to expect of yourself. Painful but I do find such things expand my compassion for women who are not athletically gifted. Does that ring true for you?
I have a feeling if I played baseball I would have been in an environment of learning. The LL coaches were so different. My softball coach had two kids, the best pitchers in the whole league, and we had one as our pitcher. The coaches focused on the kids who already had all the skills and there was no development. What was weird is they put this girl as shortstop and she kept getting hit in the forehead and couldn't catch a ball to save her life lol
Oh gosh I was so bitter about it for years and got to see that I was a sore loser lol I was one of those kids who was good at everything I tried and so it was a terrible experience failing so hard (then) but I see it differently now. I do have compassion for anyone who isn't naturally gifted. And also I have mad respect for those who are!! I never would have gotten far in any sport because of my lungs but I'm great at carnivals lol I know my place haha
Yes all kids need skill development! No wonder you were upset about it for a long time. And maybe still are. Sports give us a chance to feel strong, powerful free, connected to our bodies. Capable. And except in a few sports like figure skating, we girls get an early experience of being able to focus on our actions and accomplishments rather than our attractiveness. So darn empowering. No wonder we care about them so much. Thanks for sharing these parts of your sports story. I always like learning what other women went through, and are going through. ⚾️ 🏀 ⚾️
Sports are the best way to feel capable!! I always gravitated toward extreme sports like BMX and skating, but I have a rocky relationship with the 3D world so I knocked out my front teeth, no surprise lol but it was always a nice break from the "real world" haha. I love reading your articles too, you've lived a really interesting life!!
You exposed all of us high-expectation (of ourselves!) types. No matter how well we do, it's never good enough. But you also reminded us that no matter how smart we are, fast we are, "good" we are, there is always someone better. That doesn't make us less than -- it just makes us who we are.
To respond to your question “Is this a familiar feeling among other ambitious, Type A, perfectionistic folks?”. Yes, regardless of whether we were athletes or what we did or do.
That is why your story resonates and what makes you and others so impressive. Because people like you don’t accept defeat. Without people like this, we will fail to prosper as a society.
Glad the story resonates. And yes, ambition, drive, and unwillingness to accept defeat (to a point): They're helpful traits, and I'm happy to have them. I agree that society needs people like us (and other people, unlike us.) :-)
Like any strengths, these can become weaknesses if taken too far, or poorly understood or managed. This was what I was getting at in this story: The folly of feeling like a failure when one is, by most standards, quite successful.
I get it. I was benched for an entire season because I wasn’t “a good team player” and refused to pass the ball. Why would I pass the ball, I argued, when it would mean defeat for our team? When they finally let me back in, I went to the foul line in defiance and took a shot (and scored) facing away from the net to prove my point. I was benched again. Eventually I got the message - there is always someone who’s a better player than you. Always someone stronger, more talented and when they appear, you better learn how to play as a team or accept defeat.
That is one of the many reasons sports are so important for girls - they teach teamwork. More boys get this as so many are enrolled in team sports so it is not surprising to me to see men often excel at teamwork.
Yes, sports *can* teach teamwork. But men are not necessarily better than women at it. If they were, they'd treat women like true teammates at work, offering opportunities and accolades and refraining from sexual harassment. They'd also do more housework and childcare at home. ;-)
What works best for kids is to make the sports lessons explicit. Ask, What did you learn about yourself, or leadership, or teamwork at practice today? Might that be something you could use elsewhere? How? That helps them make the connection.
Hi L Word, What a story - including the rebellious free throw! Sometimes being a team player means listening to the coach even if you disagree. In this case -- I wasn't there, but just as an example -- the coach might have wanted more passing to open up the court, forcing the defense to pay attention to more players than just you. It's hard to listen to coaches when you know more or think you do. I've been in that situation many times.
Thank you for sharing this story, Mariah. I can't relate on the athletic level (I could barely catch a basketball when it was thrown at me during PE class), but I suppose my own experience of the Peter Principle was winning one of the most prestigious fellowships in my field, suddenly finding myself among people who all came from Ivy League universities (I did not), and then realizing that I could never match their level of productivity because I was unable to focus on more than one topic at a time, which eventually led me to leave academia after publishing my dissertation. Not the same, but I certainly felt like I had ascended to the level of my incompetence, and had maybe even gotten there by pure luck rather than actual competence. "I was a fellow at [prestigious institution] and published my dissertation with [prestigious publisher]" sounds impressive - "I've been a stay-at-home-mom for ten years and now do part-time freelance work" not so much.
Hi KateP, Yes, glad you can relate -- being banished to "the bench" is such a human experience.
In your case, I also hear overtones of imposter syndrome, whereby women, especially, come to believe we don't really belong in a space where we have arrived; that it was somehow luck or a mistake.
I also wonder if the inability to focus should have been addressed as a learning difference, not an absence of "the right stuff."
Then there's the sexist diminishment of the importance raising children, as if that were not an essential social function. More important, arguably, than academic achievements. Just sayin. :-)
I really love this one! And I definitely can relate, though in my case my reasons for shame aren't sports related. You write that secrecy causes shame. I agree and would add the reverse is also true, namely that shame causes secrecy. It's a vicious cycle, I think. And isn't it our self image, our ego, that drives both? It takes courage to admit our perceived failings. So in the spirit of the Hanukah season, Mazel Tov for doing that. I bet also you'll find that your "confession" won't diminish anyone's view of you as an athlete. And for you it might well be freeing.
Hi Judy, Good point: "shame causes secrecy" too. And yes, there's an antidote to all of that, which is truth-telling, which I do find freeing, as you predicted. Glad you liked the story, and could relate.
Happy Hanukkah back to you, and thanks for the Mazel Tov.
This was a tough read, in a good way. We have all been there, I suspect. Certainly women have—whenever we have been considered “less than”—and I bet every woman reading this essay, athlete or not, can identify several examples of that. You are the best, Mariah, and this essay offers a vivid demonstration of that.
So glad you found this story impactful, Susan. Yes, we all hit our ceilings. If I can, by describing the agony of my own, help others feel better about their own failures -- even just failures to meet their own expectations -- so much the better. Thanks so much.
What a great post. I remember being benched in every sport in junior high I tried out for. Basketball was the worst for me. Most useless player. Volleyball I loved but was never great, just, middle of the pack. Team sport coordination was tough for me. I didn't find my stride until I got into karate. "You mean, with these pads on my hands and feet, I can just, attack that guy over there?" Suddenly, I was good at something!
What experiences and memories you have. Thanks for sharing!
"You mean, with these pads on my hands and feet, I can just, attack that guy over there?" Ha. Love it that you found that liberating and hit your stride, as well as lots of guys, there.
And to each her own - that would never appeal to me but I love it that there are options for everyone. And yes, finally sitting on the bench at the end of my career gave me LOTS of sympathy for athletes who had been through this at younger, more tender ages. So glad you kept trying new stuff and now know the joys of physical competence and success.
Chatted with my brother-in-law Chris about this story over the holidays.
He said, "So you were the backup center, right?"
Right.
"That's not really the same as sitting on the bench, is it?" Hm. Good point. Felt the same to me - such a demotion from college stardom - but reframing it this way actually helped. I wasn't quite a "bench" player. I was the backup center. I was miserable about it, but maybe it wasn't quite as awful a demotion as it felt like.
Sometimes it take DECADES to process experiences and feelings! LOL.
Great post, Mariah.
And thanks for talking about...THE INJURIES. Not enough athletes talk about them, or they downplay them.
My sport was track and I was good. But like you say here, you are sort of promoted until you can't be promoted any longer. So, when I was younger, I thought I was the "best in the world" and I had sponsorship, so, of course, that fed the feeling.
I know I thought I was the best until I started to run with...well, the best. Girls who could run like the wind, or so it seemed to me. (Some of whom weren't getting sponsorships or the attention I was because I was more marketable, so that set the stage for resentment, and I just trotted myself around thinking 'Don't hate the player, hate the game' sort of thoughts. Definitely NOT minimizing any resentment. haha).
A LOT goes on behind-the-scenes of female sports, and you are also touching upon that in your article.
So, yes, there is definitely INTRA-group competition going on, and depending on your sport, it can be OUTSIDE of the game, too.
Well-written.
I can relate to this so much! I grew up playing baseball. It was my life. I was really good at pitching. I split lips with my fastball when I played for fun (oops). But when I wanted to join a team, my mom got talked out of it because I was a girl. At 11 years old, I was just as good as - and sometimes better than - the boys. And girls were allowed to play. But she won and I got put in softball instead.
I had no idea I would suck so much. The ball came at a different angle and it took me months to get a hit. Since I loved pitching in baseball I thought I'd try (I played fast pitch) and so I went to a pitching clinic but then after all that, I couldn't even get the ball over the plate. It was totally different, different muscles, everything. So instead of playing a fun position I got stuck in right field. In softball, getting stuck in right field is like being benched lol you don't get any action and only the slow/bad players get put there.
I was a perfectionist and was usually really good at everything I tried so it was extra disappointing and I quit after 2 years. When I was 41, I finally learned why I couldn't pitch even after being taught... turns out the pitching clinic my coach sent me to was for kids younger than me by 2 years, and that age group isn't taught to use their hips for power... so I never learned the actual mechanics. I bought a net and started pitching with what I had just learned (thanks YouTube) and was amazed at how easy it was... but I was equally mad that I was never taught correctly when it mattered. I've never sucked so much at anything in my life! I went from people saying I had a great arm and people backing up when I got up to bat in baseball, to being lucky if I could get one hit during a game in softball.
What a story. So familiar to many women: being denied access to the sports we are drawn to… and not being properly coached and taught. Glad you survived all that and taught yourself. Also, you got to learn what it feels like to fail, in a sense: to lack the easy grace & ability you had come to expect of yourself. Painful but I do find such things expand my compassion for women who are not athletically gifted. Does that ring true for you?
I have a feeling if I played baseball I would have been in an environment of learning. The LL coaches were so different. My softball coach had two kids, the best pitchers in the whole league, and we had one as our pitcher. The coaches focused on the kids who already had all the skills and there was no development. What was weird is they put this girl as shortstop and she kept getting hit in the forehead and couldn't catch a ball to save her life lol
Oh gosh I was so bitter about it for years and got to see that I was a sore loser lol I was one of those kids who was good at everything I tried and so it was a terrible experience failing so hard (then) but I see it differently now. I do have compassion for anyone who isn't naturally gifted. And also I have mad respect for those who are!! I never would have gotten far in any sport because of my lungs but I'm great at carnivals lol I know my place haha
Yes all kids need skill development! No wonder you were upset about it for a long time. And maybe still are. Sports give us a chance to feel strong, powerful free, connected to our bodies. Capable. And except in a few sports like figure skating, we girls get an early experience of being able to focus on our actions and accomplishments rather than our attractiveness. So darn empowering. No wonder we care about them so much. Thanks for sharing these parts of your sports story. I always like learning what other women went through, and are going through. ⚾️ 🏀 ⚾️
Sports are the best way to feel capable!! I always gravitated toward extreme sports like BMX and skating, but I have a rocky relationship with the 3D world so I knocked out my front teeth, no surprise lol but it was always a nice break from the "real world" haha. I love reading your articles too, you've lived a really interesting life!!
You exposed all of us high-expectation (of ourselves!) types. No matter how well we do, it's never good enough. But you also reminded us that no matter how smart we are, fast we are, "good" we are, there is always someone better. That doesn't make us less than -- it just makes us who we are.
Yup. And human! 😀
To respond to your question “Is this a familiar feeling among other ambitious, Type A, perfectionistic folks?”. Yes, regardless of whether we were athletes or what we did or do.
That is why your story resonates and what makes you and others so impressive. Because people like you don’t accept defeat. Without people like this, we will fail to prosper as a society.
Glad the story resonates. And yes, ambition, drive, and unwillingness to accept defeat (to a point): They're helpful traits, and I'm happy to have them. I agree that society needs people like us (and other people, unlike us.) :-)
Like any strengths, these can become weaknesses if taken too far, or poorly understood or managed. This was what I was getting at in this story: The folly of feeling like a failure when one is, by most standards, quite successful.
I get it. I was benched for an entire season because I wasn’t “a good team player” and refused to pass the ball. Why would I pass the ball, I argued, when it would mean defeat for our team? When they finally let me back in, I went to the foul line in defiance and took a shot (and scored) facing away from the net to prove my point. I was benched again. Eventually I got the message - there is always someone who’s a better player than you. Always someone stronger, more talented and when they appear, you better learn how to play as a team or accept defeat.
That is one of the many reasons sports are so important for girls - they teach teamwork. More boys get this as so many are enrolled in team sports so it is not surprising to me to see men often excel at teamwork.
Yes, sports *can* teach teamwork. But men are not necessarily better than women at it. If they were, they'd treat women like true teammates at work, offering opportunities and accolades and refraining from sexual harassment. They'd also do more housework and childcare at home. ;-)
What works best for kids is to make the sports lessons explicit. Ask, What did you learn about yourself, or leadership, or teamwork at practice today? Might that be something you could use elsewhere? How? That helps them make the connection.
Hi L Word, What a story - including the rebellious free throw! Sometimes being a team player means listening to the coach even if you disagree. In this case -- I wasn't there, but just as an example -- the coach might have wanted more passing to open up the court, forcing the defense to pay attention to more players than just you. It's hard to listen to coaches when you know more or think you do. I've been in that situation many times.
Thank you for sharing this story, Mariah. I can't relate on the athletic level (I could barely catch a basketball when it was thrown at me during PE class), but I suppose my own experience of the Peter Principle was winning one of the most prestigious fellowships in my field, suddenly finding myself among people who all came from Ivy League universities (I did not), and then realizing that I could never match their level of productivity because I was unable to focus on more than one topic at a time, which eventually led me to leave academia after publishing my dissertation. Not the same, but I certainly felt like I had ascended to the level of my incompetence, and had maybe even gotten there by pure luck rather than actual competence. "I was a fellow at [prestigious institution] and published my dissertation with [prestigious publisher]" sounds impressive - "I've been a stay-at-home-mom for ten years and now do part-time freelance work" not so much.
Hi KateP, Yes, glad you can relate -- being banished to "the bench" is such a human experience.
In your case, I also hear overtones of imposter syndrome, whereby women, especially, come to believe we don't really belong in a space where we have arrived; that it was somehow luck or a mistake.
I also wonder if the inability to focus should have been addressed as a learning difference, not an absence of "the right stuff."
Then there's the sexist diminishment of the importance raising children, as if that were not an essential social function. More important, arguably, than academic achievements. Just sayin. :-)
PS Great to meet you for lunch last week!
I really love this one! And I definitely can relate, though in my case my reasons for shame aren't sports related. You write that secrecy causes shame. I agree and would add the reverse is also true, namely that shame causes secrecy. It's a vicious cycle, I think. And isn't it our self image, our ego, that drives both? It takes courage to admit our perceived failings. So in the spirit of the Hanukah season, Mazel Tov for doing that. I bet also you'll find that your "confession" won't diminish anyone's view of you as an athlete. And for you it might well be freeing.
Hi Judy, Good point: "shame causes secrecy" too. And yes, there's an antidote to all of that, which is truth-telling, which I do find freeing, as you predicted. Glad you liked the story, and could relate.
Happy Hanukkah back to you, and thanks for the Mazel Tov.
This was a tough read, in a good way. We have all been there, I suspect. Certainly women have—whenever we have been considered “less than”—and I bet every woman reading this essay, athlete or not, can identify several examples of that. You are the best, Mariah, and this essay offers a vivid demonstration of that.
So glad you found this story impactful, Susan. Yes, we all hit our ceilings. If I can, by describing the agony of my own, help others feel better about their own failures -- even just failures to meet their own expectations -- so much the better. Thanks so much.