I wrote that my aunt referred to me as being "worse than the boys" which I wore like a badge. My mother told me on two occasions that no man would ever love me because I was too angry. I believed her. My broken brain told me it was good if men were afraid of me. I thought that would keep me safe. I never saw myself as lovable. It breaks my heart and embarrasses me that for over sixty years I was my own worst person in my life. This probably doesn't make sense. I'm just trying to unlearn the shit I was told about myself.
Oh it does make sense. It's heartbreaking to read, too, CM. Sounds to me as if you. have already unlearned it. Maybe now you "just" need to believe it. Of course you are lovable and worthy of love. You were "just" abused, which is tough to get over, but possible. People do it every day. Keep going. Be the best person in your life, for you.
I have a Zen teacher who talks about "compassion for all, including the self." Usually it's "the self" who gets shortchanged, especially when we were not sufficiently loved and supported as kids. You can practice that self-kindness any time, anywhere, and like any skill, you'll get better at it.
Thank you for your story. It so brilliantly describes what many of us grown ups can relate to, and the kind of a childhood that is increasingly in danger. I feel this and I have two teenagers.
How can it be in our enlightened times that women are losing ground? We once had more freedom to express ourselves, to explore a broader range of ideas and experiences, without the dogma of the gender cult breathing down our necks. Maybe the answer is telling the story of puberty. I know, it sounds incredibly awkward ;) But maybe women aren’t taking enough?
I’m just one more parent incredibly saddened by the evil of this situation and continue to hope for solutions.
Hi Shannon, I don't have solutions either but share your hope that talking (and writing) can help educate people and challenge them to question received dogma they might have accepted in the name of progressiveness or kindness or peer pressure.
There are also numerous legal battles underway, including by detransitioners whose bodies have been irrevocably harmed; that may make a difference.
This year's Cass Review in the UK did shut down so-called gender affirming care (genital and breast surgeries) for minors in many northern European countries, so that's big. The American Academy of Plastic Surgeons reversed course and put a halt to such surgeries, too - the first US med society to do it.
And I've heard that some teens are pushing back too. We do have some momentum, lots of facts, and all the science on our side. Plus decades of feminism, as you note!
So glad you're on this team. Hope you can keep your teenagers safe, thinking for themselves, and standing strong.
Hi AJ, Yes. That does seem to be the case. They don't want to be men, but they're trying to opt out of what society tells them being a woman means. You may have seen this, but ICYMI, I I explore that here:
I rejected feminine trappings until my late teens, and at thirteen (1977) I was still trying not to "like boys" because a lot of boys at school were not nice to girls. I was barely aware how much I looked like a boy because of my clothes and hair, and I wasn't "confused." I just needed to keep growing and feel more comfortable among my peers. I've been thinking about the same thing you write about: If I were eleven-twelve-thirteen now, I'd think I was nonbinary, or someone would possibly suggest that I was. THAT would be confusing. "Maybe I'm not a girl": the thought of how insecure that would have made me in myself, makes my blood run cold.
Exactly. And I know from lots of reading, video-viewing, and research that this is indeed happening to many gender-non-conforming (athletic, lesbian, just plain active and not naturally inclined toward traditionally feminine stuff) girls. Horrifying. Thanks for writing.
I spotted this because your name is so familiar from work on the International Encyclopedia of Women and Sports (Berkshire). Good call, and much appreciated.. I was never a tomboy or athlete, but fit more with male communication style and always have had more male friends, so I've pondered this too.
As a middle school teacher for 33 years, I too have become very interested in this topic. Thank you for your insight. I’ve shared your articles with my fellow teachers and guidance counselors.
Not related but is Chloe the dog a Manchester terrier? They are rare in the US but awesome dogs. I have one.
Hi Bertha, Glad you're sharing my stories with others. Thank you! As for Chloe, she was a daschund - the runt of the litter, as I recall. Maybe 8 pounds. Great family pet for years but now, 50+ years later... I hope she's happily eating all day every day in her version of doggie heaven. :-)
I am absolutely heartbroken too. I'm very depressed about it, as well as outraged and disgusted. But mainly heartbroken.
I apologised (sort of) to a friend the other day, for banging on about it so much. He said "if it's something that you're interested in, I'll listen".
INTERESTED??? INTERESTED??? I'M NOT "INTERESTED" I'M ABSOLUTELY MIND F@#KED AND MORE OUTRAGED THAN I'VE EVER BEEN IN MY LIFE!!!
Then I got an email from one of the MPs I wrote to, saying "thankyou for your interest". FFS!!!
I am so angry I'm constantly on the verge of passing out.
Germaine Greer was only half right when she said we fail to understand how much men hate us. I for one have certainly gotten the picture now! What I still fail to understand is how much many other women hate us. 😢
For anyone out there in the ether... Jordan Peterson just explained why women hate women. Because our society casts out post menopausal women due to the perception that we can no longer contribute to society the way a woman 'should', younger women hate us because they are fearful of becoming like us. Hehe... isn't the gift of 'Not Giving A Rats Arse what ANYONE thinks of us' the gift that keeps on giving when it's handed to us freely once we've run out of eggs?
I hated women until I took Women's Studies classes. Then in my 20s and 30s I started hanging out with some single women in their 60s and I discovered that they were the coolest! They were so OVER everything. They weren't spending their time whining about crushes on men. They were just so cool and they made me look forward to aging. Now I am in my late 50s and I love it!
What a great story. Women can learn so much for older women. And from women's studies classes. Feminist theory, reading, and insights were such a gift to me, too. And I had a grandmother and some great-aunts I adored. And Mom. And yes, I've grown fond of the expression "no more fks to give." :-)
Hi Lola, Just weighing in belatedly that I'm glad you're reading my column AND I disagree with Jordan Peterson. Do women hate women? What a sweeping statement. (And from a man? How did he become an expert on how women feel about other women?)
In my experience, we don't. Most of my best friends are women. Isn't that true for most women? I have detractors, but perceive no undercurrent of other women "hating" me.
And that's not what I hear from other women - friends, fans, teammates, writers, readers. I certainly agree that ageism and sexism are alive and well. And that disregarding criticism can be very freeing.
Just wanted to add this point of view. I love women and feel very loved by them. I bet a lot of female athletes, feminists, lesbians, and straight women with close women friends would agree.
Hi Mariah, nice to hear from you... from the ether.
I don't agree with all of what JP says...and yes, he is a man making a lot of statements about women.... as they tend to do. But last March's report from the Human Development Programme estimated that 90% of the world are biased against women....that's a lot of women there. And I see it. And maybe it's not actual Hate, but I would like to see far more support.
Far more.
But I would argue with him on this point... that it's not so much menopausal women that cop it (hasn't been my experience at all) but single women. As a 56 year old who's been single most of my life (never married, no kids) the animosity aimed at me from women has been huge. It's almost as if they're jealous, that I can thrive without a man. In some countries I have been absolutely shunned, and massively pitied too. But mostly the negative attitude has been fear or dislike, and they've been outspoken about it too. It's only been in the last few years that people, both men and women, have started telling me they wish they had have done the same. It's very interesting, and you know, patriarchy has confused a lot of us, but there are still a lot of women who really do put some effort into taking down the women they seem to view as having dodged the bulllets.
I admire women massively, and love them too, and am loved and I think admired too, and understand by women more than men. But I will be sticking to my guns for now... there are too many women who do not like other women simply because they're women.
I would like to see a turn around before I die. xxx
You have a unique perspective and just added a lot of context. Helped me listen better once you took JP out of it. 😀 Glad you’re thriving as a single traveling woman! No wonder some who made different choices, and maybe more compromises, are envious. Thanks for sharing.
Really interesting. Thanks for this story and analysis re: autistic traits. I had not thought of that.
I wonder if this might resonate: As you may know, Deborah Tannen writes about communication styles, and how (as an admittedly broad generalization) men tend to do "report-talk" (based on facts, figures, information; and can be in service of an attempt to establish who knows more or is dominant) and women tend to do "rapport talk" (based on seeking commonality among the dyad or group to establish an equal network of people, rather than hierarchy). Not true of everyone. Just something she's researched and concluded as a general observation.
Thus when a woman is more focused on report-talk, other women can find it unsettling (and men can welcome it). And when a man is focused on rapport-talk ("how do you feel about that?"), men might find that unsettling whereas women might be more likely to welcome it - b/c it's a language they speak and a feeling (rapport) they seek.
If autism-spectrum or -traited women are less likely to pick up on social cues, and more likely to be skillful at learning and sharing information... it could affect how women and men respond to her.
Somehow missed this for 6 weeks or so; glad I noticed it now. Very interesting, especially this, below. Thanks! You're also showing how people on the spectrum end up analyzing situations consciously to learn how others behave and attempt to fit in - something others do unconsciously or subconsciously.
<< top level, must not interrupt or correct ever, no matter how wrong she is (identify by watching which direction everybody's feet and shoulders are facing in a conversation: queen bee is the focus of everyone else's body direction signals); mid level, ??? but use extreme caution because they are in competition with each other for top slot with the queen bee, and will not hesitate to chop you down and step over your corpse to get there; low level, OK to correct, interrupt, or even be casually rude to (these ladies apologize for things they didn't do, laugh at jokes that are not funny, and defer to everyone else's opinions).>>
Indeed. We did have it figured out! That's what's so discouraging, infuriating, and worrisome. Gender identity is all about the exact same antiquated sex stereotypes we second-wave feminists identified and called out and worked hard to get rid of. Otherwise - if it weren't all based on stereotypes, but some "true inner feeling" unrelated to stereotypes, then we'd have girls who wear pink and love princesses declaring that they're born in the wrong body and really should be boys. Or vice versa - macho boys who claim they're "really" girls. Yet that never happens. Thanks for commenting, PhDBiologistMom!
I wrote that my aunt referred to me as being "worse than the boys" which I wore like a badge. My mother told me on two occasions that no man would ever love me because I was too angry. I believed her. My broken brain told me it was good if men were afraid of me. I thought that would keep me safe. I never saw myself as lovable. It breaks my heart and embarrasses me that for over sixty years I was my own worst person in my life. This probably doesn't make sense. I'm just trying to unlearn the shit I was told about myself.
Oh it does make sense. It's heartbreaking to read, too, CM. Sounds to me as if you. have already unlearned it. Maybe now you "just" need to believe it. Of course you are lovable and worthy of love. You were "just" abused, which is tough to get over, but possible. People do it every day. Keep going. Be the best person in your life, for you.
I always write about my experience and then delete it because it always sounds to me like I’m whining.
You were very helpful. Thank you for the sound advice.
I have a Zen teacher who talks about "compassion for all, including the self." Usually it's "the self" who gets shortchanged, especially when we were not sufficiently loved and supported as kids. You can practice that self-kindness any time, anywhere, and like any skill, you'll get better at it.
Great essay Mariah and admiration for your use of a single carefully chosen old photograph to convey what words alone don't do.
Thank you for your story. It so brilliantly describes what many of us grown ups can relate to, and the kind of a childhood that is increasingly in danger. I feel this and I have two teenagers.
How can it be in our enlightened times that women are losing ground? We once had more freedom to express ourselves, to explore a broader range of ideas and experiences, without the dogma of the gender cult breathing down our necks. Maybe the answer is telling the story of puberty. I know, it sounds incredibly awkward ;) But maybe women aren’t taking enough?
I’m just one more parent incredibly saddened by the evil of this situation and continue to hope for solutions.
Hi Shannon, I don't have solutions either but share your hope that talking (and writing) can help educate people and challenge them to question received dogma they might have accepted in the name of progressiveness or kindness or peer pressure.
There are also numerous legal battles underway, including by detransitioners whose bodies have been irrevocably harmed; that may make a difference.
This year's Cass Review in the UK did shut down so-called gender affirming care (genital and breast surgeries) for minors in many northern European countries, so that's big. The American Academy of Plastic Surgeons reversed course and put a halt to such surgeries, too - the first US med society to do it.
And I've heard that some teens are pushing back too. We do have some momentum, lots of facts, and all the science on our side. Plus decades of feminism, as you note!
So glad you're on this team. Hope you can keep your teenagers safe, thinking for themselves, and standing strong.
Yes, I wonder if many girls are declaring themselves "non-binary" just to get away from all the bullshit expectations put on girls.
Hi AJ, Yes. That does seem to be the case. They don't want to be men, but they're trying to opt out of what society tells them being a woman means. You may have seen this, but ICYMI, I I explore that here:
https://open.substack.com/pub/strongerwomen/p/what-does-non-binary-mean?r=1p665w&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
I rejected feminine trappings until my late teens, and at thirteen (1977) I was still trying not to "like boys" because a lot of boys at school were not nice to girls. I was barely aware how much I looked like a boy because of my clothes and hair, and I wasn't "confused." I just needed to keep growing and feel more comfortable among my peers. I've been thinking about the same thing you write about: If I were eleven-twelve-thirteen now, I'd think I was nonbinary, or someone would possibly suggest that I was. THAT would be confusing. "Maybe I'm not a girl": the thought of how insecure that would have made me in myself, makes my blood run cold.
Exactly. And I know from lots of reading, video-viewing, and research that this is indeed happening to many gender-non-conforming (athletic, lesbian, just plain active and not naturally inclined toward traditionally feminine stuff) girls. Horrifying. Thanks for writing.
The new Me Too! You nailed it. I am a member of this glorious Sisterhood. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Great! Delighted to meet another Sister. Thanks so much for your supportive comments, Martha.
Where can you buy male gender fluid? And can you water your plants with it to get erect stems ?
I spotted this because your name is so familiar from work on the International Encyclopedia of Women and Sports (Berkshire). Good call, and much appreciated.. I was never a tomboy or athlete, but fit more with male communication style and always have had more male friends, so I've pondered this too.
Interesting. Glad you found me here. And vice versa. Thanks Karen!
As a middle school teacher for 33 years, I too have become very interested in this topic. Thank you for your insight. I’ve shared your articles with my fellow teachers and guidance counselors.
Not related but is Chloe the dog a Manchester terrier? They are rare in the US but awesome dogs. I have one.
And yes, I bet you're getting an earful/eyeful there in Transgender Central: middle school.
Hi Bertha, Glad you're sharing my stories with others. Thank you! As for Chloe, she was a daschund - the runt of the litter, as I recall. Maybe 8 pounds. Great family pet for years but now, 50+ years later... I hope she's happily eating all day every day in her version of doggie heaven. :-)
I am absolutely heartbroken too. I'm very depressed about it, as well as outraged and disgusted. But mainly heartbroken.
I apologised (sort of) to a friend the other day, for banging on about it so much. He said "if it's something that you're interested in, I'll listen".
INTERESTED??? INTERESTED??? I'M NOT "INTERESTED" I'M ABSOLUTELY MIND F@#KED AND MORE OUTRAGED THAN I'VE EVER BEEN IN MY LIFE!!!
Then I got an email from one of the MPs I wrote to, saying "thankyou for your interest". FFS!!!
I am so angry I'm constantly on the verge of passing out.
Germaine Greer was only half right when she said we fail to understand how much men hate us. I for one have certainly gotten the picture now! What I still fail to understand is how much many other women hate us. 😢
For anyone out there in the ether... Jordan Peterson just explained why women hate women. Because our society casts out post menopausal women due to the perception that we can no longer contribute to society the way a woman 'should', younger women hate us because they are fearful of becoming like us. Hehe... isn't the gift of 'Not Giving A Rats Arse what ANYONE thinks of us' the gift that keeps on giving when it's handed to us freely once we've run out of eggs?
I hated women until I took Women's Studies classes. Then in my 20s and 30s I started hanging out with some single women in their 60s and I discovered that they were the coolest! They were so OVER everything. They weren't spending their time whining about crushes on men. They were just so cool and they made me look forward to aging. Now I am in my late 50s and I love it!
What was the reason for your hatred of women do you think?
What a great story. Women can learn so much for older women. And from women's studies classes. Feminist theory, reading, and insights were such a gift to me, too. And I had a grandmother and some great-aunts I adored. And Mom. And yes, I've grown fond of the expression "no more fks to give." :-)
Hi Lola, Just weighing in belatedly that I'm glad you're reading my column AND I disagree with Jordan Peterson. Do women hate women? What a sweeping statement. (And from a man? How did he become an expert on how women feel about other women?)
In my experience, we don't. Most of my best friends are women. Isn't that true for most women? I have detractors, but perceive no undercurrent of other women "hating" me.
And that's not what I hear from other women - friends, fans, teammates, writers, readers. I certainly agree that ageism and sexism are alive and well. And that disregarding criticism can be very freeing.
Just wanted to add this point of view. I love women and feel very loved by them. I bet a lot of female athletes, feminists, lesbians, and straight women with close women friends would agree.
Wonderful article by the way
Thanks so much.
Hi Mariah, nice to hear from you... from the ether.
I don't agree with all of what JP says...and yes, he is a man making a lot of statements about women.... as they tend to do. But last March's report from the Human Development Programme estimated that 90% of the world are biased against women....that's a lot of women there. And I see it. And maybe it's not actual Hate, but I would like to see far more support.
Far more.
But I would argue with him on this point... that it's not so much menopausal women that cop it (hasn't been my experience at all) but single women. As a 56 year old who's been single most of my life (never married, no kids) the animosity aimed at me from women has been huge. It's almost as if they're jealous, that I can thrive without a man. In some countries I have been absolutely shunned, and massively pitied too. But mostly the negative attitude has been fear or dislike, and they've been outspoken about it too. It's only been in the last few years that people, both men and women, have started telling me they wish they had have done the same. It's very interesting, and you know, patriarchy has confused a lot of us, but there are still a lot of women who really do put some effort into taking down the women they seem to view as having dodged the bulllets.
I admire women massively, and love them too, and am loved and I think admired too, and understand by women more than men. But I will be sticking to my guns for now... there are too many women who do not like other women simply because they're women.
I would like to see a turn around before I die. xxx
You have a unique perspective and just added a lot of context. Helped me listen better once you took JP out of it. 😀 Glad you’re thriving as a single traveling woman! No wonder some who made different choices, and maybe more compromises, are envious. Thanks for sharing.
Nice chatting Mariah, have a lovely day 😊
Really interesting. Thanks for this story and analysis re: autistic traits. I had not thought of that.
I wonder if this might resonate: As you may know, Deborah Tannen writes about communication styles, and how (as an admittedly broad generalization) men tend to do "report-talk" (based on facts, figures, information; and can be in service of an attempt to establish who knows more or is dominant) and women tend to do "rapport talk" (based on seeking commonality among the dyad or group to establish an equal network of people, rather than hierarchy). Not true of everyone. Just something she's researched and concluded as a general observation.
Thus when a woman is more focused on report-talk, other women can find it unsettling (and men can welcome it). And when a man is focused on rapport-talk ("how do you feel about that?"), men might find that unsettling whereas women might be more likely to welcome it - b/c it's a language they speak and a feeling (rapport) they seek.
If autism-spectrum or -traited women are less likely to pick up on social cues, and more likely to be skillful at learning and sharing information... it could affect how women and men respond to her.
Just a thought. Curious if this fits at all?
Somehow missed this for 6 weeks or so; glad I noticed it now. Very interesting, especially this, below. Thanks! You're also showing how people on the spectrum end up analyzing situations consciously to learn how others behave and attempt to fit in - something others do unconsciously or subconsciously.
<< top level, must not interrupt or correct ever, no matter how wrong she is (identify by watching which direction everybody's feet and shoulders are facing in a conversation: queen bee is the focus of everyone else's body direction signals); mid level, ??? but use extreme caution because they are in competition with each other for top slot with the queen bee, and will not hesitate to chop you down and step over your corpse to get there; low level, OK to correct, interrupt, or even be casually rude to (these ladies apologize for things they didn't do, laugh at jokes that are not funny, and defer to everyone else's opinions).>>
Yep. Thought we had this figured out in the ‘70s with “Free to Be - You and Me.” Sad to see how much we’ve regressed since then.
HOLD UP
This wasn't a thing during the 70s..I was there enjoying my youth.
Never wishing I was anything other than being the female/girl that I came through the birth canal as years before.
This sexual dysphoria thing made itself known via television shows like episodes on:
"Medical Center" w/Dr. Gannon explaining this rarity
"All in the Family"..Archie Bunker's shock
"The Jefferson's"...George's Navy buddy becoming a woman
🔥🔥🔥🔥
The two latter episodes are still hilarious
Here's a clip:
1. https://youtu.be/aTCas7UcidA?si=T-fysY8VBc6nXWjG
2. https://youtu.be/jNSWrJZ5Mjk?si=-fdVXJUEbcVAPX3P
Here it is. The Medical Center episode of a grown adult man who had a sex change operation...BTW, he was also a doctor
3.
https://youtu.be/Z4JHvizrxr4?si=YQOv8JJ4sXSFZPoW
We did. That's why it's been pirated and perverted. It's all a proxy to disrupt HOW we think, to be replaced with WHAT to think.
Indeed. We did have it figured out! That's what's so discouraging, infuriating, and worrisome. Gender identity is all about the exact same antiquated sex stereotypes we second-wave feminists identified and called out and worked hard to get rid of. Otherwise - if it weren't all based on stereotypes, but some "true inner feeling" unrelated to stereotypes, then we'd have girls who wear pink and love princesses declaring that they're born in the wrong body and really should be boys. Or vice versa - macho boys who claim they're "really" girls. Yet that never happens. Thanks for commenting, PhDBiologistMom!
And me! Sadly, spot on and so very well said, Mariah. My heart rages everyday for the tomboy of today. Great post, thank you!
Hi Mikalina, Same. Thanks so much for the kind words, and for commenting. Save the tomboys.