One evening, we partied past midnight at someone’s house when her parents were away. After a Margarita or two, I got tired and, not wanting to interrupt anyone for a ride home, lay down on a bed and fell asleep.
A quiet conversation with a reader this week led to unexpected and welcome consequences. It started when I mentioned Justice Brett Kavanaugh in my summary of the recent sports-related Supreme Court cases: Are Female Athletes the Same as “Not-Good, Untalented, Lousy” Boys? In a note about the story, I wrote,
“Kavanaugh gets it — at least about this one thing. I have not forgiven him for sexually assaulting Christine Blasey Ford. But I feel encouraged that he will persuade others on the Supreme Court that girls need not give up their sports rights to appease men who claim to be female.”
The reader, C.M. Millen, responded,
“There is absolutely no proof that Judge Kavanaugh ever assaulted anyone. It was only a confusing testimony from a mostly confused and delusional woman which would have never held up in a court of law.”
Confusing testimony? Didn’t sound that way to me. Confused and delusional woman? That’s not how I saw her. Court of law? Maybe, but this was a different animal: a 2018 televised Supreme Court confirmation hearing.
Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, a research psychologist at the Stanford University School of Medicine, publicly accused nominee Brett Kavanaugh of drunkenly sexually assaulting her in Bethesda, Maryland when they were teens. At a house party, he pushed her into a bedroom, pinned her to a bed, climbed on top of her, groped her, and tried to take off her clothes, she testified.
At the hearing, Kavanaugh called the accusation “absolutely nuts.”
I didn’t feel like arguing with my reader.
“Ok,” I responded to Millen. “We disagree. I believe her.”
“Ok,” Millen wrote back. “But I really like your Substack so thank you! And we will agree to disagree.”
“Thanks C.M.!” I wrote. “I like your comments, too. Refreshing to simply disagree about some things and agree about others. You know, like normal, non-reactive, non-antagonistic, non-polarized relationships.” 😀💜🙏
Millen: “Totally agree!!! Brava!”
After that surprisingly satisfying exchange, I took another look at what I’d written. Was it fair of me to assert that Kavanaugh had sexually assaulted Ford? She had not wanted to testify. Most women do not lie about such things. And the FBI didn’t even interview her or her corroborating witnesses. But did that make him guilty? Could she have mis-remembered? Why was I so sure her story was accurate?
The answer came to me immediately: Kevin.
As a high schooler in Phoenix, I was part of a tight group of friends who swam, hiked Camelback Mountain, rafted on the Verde River, camped out in Mexico, smoked dope, and listened to music together. Normal teenage stuff. Kevin was one of the guys.
One evening, we partied past midnight at someone’s house when her parents were away. After a Margarita or two, I got tired (alcohol just makes me drowsy) and, not wanting to interrupt anyone for a ride home, lay down on a bed and fell asleep.
I awoke to discover Kevin lying on top of me, grinding and groping me – just as Ford had reported.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING!” I yelled, trying to push this stronger, heavier, older, persistent teenager off me.
“Oh come on come on,” he said, grinding some more.
Now I was even more enraged. “Come on” and what? This still mystifies me: How can a friend assault a sleeping girl, then try to persuade her to give in? There had been no flirtation between us. Who was I to him? Just an available body?
Eventually, I struggled him off and he left. I told no one for years. When watching Ford’s testimony on television, I re-lived Kevin’s entire infuriating betrayal.
Don’t we all see life through our own experiential lenses?
That was not my first sexual assault, nor my last. Two statutory rapes would have qualified as felonies if the statutes of limitations had not run out by the time I reported them. (This is a typical victim pattern. It can take us decades to come to terms with such things, especially in the seventies, before anyone talked about any of it.)
Compared to other #MeToo moments, Kevin’s assault was relatively minor. But each trauma, whatever its shape and size, must be weighed and sorted separately, I have noticed. You can’t stir them together like a moldy stew and chuck it all onto a compost heap at once.
The Kevin nightmare is why I believe Ford. She was telling my story. She was telling the story of countless women who have, while sleeping or awake, been assaulted by male strangers, spouses, and friends.
But is Kavanaugh necessarily guilty? No. C.M. was right to challenge me on that.
Having investigated how my past tinted my perceptions of the Kavanaugh/Ford hearing, I wondered again about C.M. and reached out to her. Might her history help explain her different reaction? Don’t we all see life through our own experiential lenses?
“How we have been raised and what we have been through definitely affects the lens through which we see the world,” she replied. “Before I was drawn to write full time, I worked in the county prosecutor’s office as an attorney, primarily focusing upon child abuse cases and criminal appeals. I was looking at evidence a lot. Some women (not the majority by far) would claim abuse by the partner (husband/boyfriend) which, after more in-depth investigation, was not true.
“Our legal system’s assumption of innocence until proven guilty is the best weapon against untrue claims, and while it’s not perfect, the requirement of actual evidence typically protects the accused. This is why it has always been so important for women to speak up and go to police. If one is unable due to fear, poverty, etc., take a photo or show another person the evidence of abuse. Document it. Then it’s much easier to prove later. What Ms. Ford stated would never stand up in court (IMHO) and Judge Kavanaugh deserves the presumption of innocence.
“I’m flattered you’ve contacted me. Thank you for being so kind.”
In a polarized world full of bluster and blame, two strangers extend a little grace to each other and feel such relief and gratitude it seems like a tiny miracle. One discloses privately, “I believe Ford because the same thing happened to me. His name was Kevin.”
The other responds, “I’m sorry that happened to you.”
Small, heart-shaped words.
C. M. Millen, a children’s book author and English and Latin teacher, writes ManuScribit: A Unique Guide to Learning English Grammar on Substack.
As always, I welcome your thoughts.
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I probably shouldn't weigh in on the disagreement you had with one of your readers. But I can't help myself. My husband and I were in Richmond, intending to visit the art gallery there, when the Kavanaugh hearing was taking place. We were mesmerized and never left our hotel room, going out only to get carry-out. So we watched the entire hearing. And the results left me furious.
I spent over 30 years as a trial lawyer, trying mostly criminal cases, first as a prosecutor and then as a defense attorney. I wouldn't have hesitated for one moment to prosecute the case presented by Ms. Blasey Ford to a jury and not been the least bit deterred by the strict reasonable doubt standard. I found her extremely credible for a variety of reasons one of which is that as bad as it was, were she lying she could have made it even worse. Liars can say whatever they want and yet, she did not. Plus, she readily admitted to lapses of memory. I could go on. I also have strong reason to believe that there was corroboration that was not presented. But I am loathe to reveal my sources for that.
I get that this discussion is not intended to be primarily about the case to be made against the Justice. It is about bias, perspective, and in your case, Mariah remarkable grace. But I spent way too much time evaluating accusations like this one, not to share my thoughts. And if that disturbs what you referred to as the "beauty" of this conversation, so be it.
Such a great essay, Mariah. Thank you.
I, too, remember the Kavanaugh hearings. I also have so many girlfriends who were raped, not just attempted-raped, in exactly the way you described. In one case, my friend became pregnant -- which pregnancy she didn't realize for three months because she continued to have her period -- and she was suddenly faced with a decision. She was from a very conservative state, but because this was 45 years ago she still had the option to get an abortion. The problem was finding someone to do it at such a late stage. She finally did. (She still lives in that red state, by the way, where she married, and is a happy, healthy woman with two grown children.) That's just one example. I have more.
These kinds of assaults are common in college, especially where alcohol is involved, and super-especially when fraternities and/or jocks are involved. I know you know what I'm talking about, Mariah. (And I'm not interested in getting into any arguments with readers who are ga-ga over sports or fraternities, the latter of which are so often criminal in so many ways in addition to sexual assault. I've done tons of research on this, I know what I'm talking about.)
I also know that proving such assaults in a court of law is a whole different ballgame. I have no illusions about the difficulty of that. I completely understand why some women don't go forward with pressing charges.
As we've discussed many times, the irony of our putting our faith in Kavanaugh when it comes to the "trans" debacle isn't lost on us. He gets it. He stood up for girls and women in the recent Supreme Court hearings. Politics makes strang bedfellows, as the saying goes, and no one knows that better than we gender-critical women.