My Triumph Over Chronic Back Pain
A Recovery Journey
Hi friends and welcome newcomers!
I feel like Pain Breaker: A superhero who prevents chronic back pain. Sure, that’s hyperbolic, but that’s how people talk when they rid themselves of pain that’s been plaguing them for decades. Pain Breaker can’t heal your pain (even superheroes have limits), but I’ll share my story in case you want to develop this superpower, too.
Spoiler: This was a pain problem with a brain solution. I rewired my brain.
How my back pain manifested
My pain manifested as sharp, stabbing, pulsating muscle spasms in my mid-back that were so excruciating I had to extricate myself immediately from whatever I was doing, go home, swallow major painkillers, lie down on a burning-hot heating pad, and remain motionless. This treatment provided relief but only until I moved at all or the meds wore off. After about 24 hours, I was fine for another month or two until it happened again. Determined to solve this riddle, I tracked triggers: standing, sitting, lifting, carrying, stretching, traveling, dehydration, golf. And nothing. Everything.
Feelings and beliefs about pain
Chronic pain is anxiety-provoking. Failing to fix it is frustrating and depressing. Worst of all, pain hurts. People who are not in pain (and I hope you’re not) forget how pain feels. It screams for attention.
In my case, years of intermittent and progressive chronic pain — along with a pattern of canceling and departing early from social events — led to shame and despair, too. Why is this happening? Why can’t anything prevent it? I take care of my body. What is wrong with me?
Why I had chronic back pain
I don’t know. Which is often the case. Mine might have been related to joint hypermobility (Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome). My ribs and vertebrae slip in and out of place, as do my shoulders, knees, ankles. Think Gumby, if you remember Gumby.
Mild scoliosis could be a contributing factor. Degenerative discs. Who knows. None of the doctors did — though as I trudged from orthopedists to the National Spine and Pain Center to the Advanced Spine and Pain Center, they didn’t seem surprised, either. They had seen chronic back pain in many other fundamentally healthy people.
What I tried
Doctors, chiropractors, X-rays, MRI’s, sonograms, physical therapy, psychotherapy, strength training, stretching, posture training, Alexander Technique, Feldenkrais, yoga, Pilates, Qi Gong, prescription muscle relaxers and pain killers, steroid and other injections, magnesium, pillows, standing desks, new chairs, bananas, and rest. And pickle juice, believe it or not. Everything.
The time bomb
As the spasms recurred despite those efforts, I grew increasingly upset; increasingly worried about how debilitating the condition was becoming; and increasingly frustrated that nothing worked. No amount of meticulous note-taking and Googling revealed a solution to the mystery of how to prevent these pains. I grew anxious about upcoming professional appearances, social gatherings, and deadlines, afraid my plans would be disrupted, which they often were. It felt like carrying around a time bomb, set to explode at any minute.
What worked
I finally consulted an excellent physical therapist named Michelle Deslauriers who does myofascial release – which felt good but did not heal my back pain. Michelle mentioned an app called Curable.
Yes, there’s an app for this
Curable is “designed to help people with persistent pain reduce their symptoms and calm their nervous system. Pain is a multifactorial experience, which is why Curable takes a biopsychosocial approach to helping people heal.”
This app was my gateway hug: an inviting host who welcomed me into a strange new world where I learned:
Lesson #1: Pain is not caused by the body but by the brain.
The body sends signals, but the brain decides what to tell “you” about those signals, from, “No big deal,” to “Emergency!”
Lesson #2: Sometimes the brain makes mistakes.
You know how you might see someone across a room (or zoom) and recognize them, but it turns out you’re wrong? Your eyes saw the person, but your brain interpreted the situation incorrectly. That’s an example of a brain mistake.
The brain also misinterprets ordinary sensations as if they were dangerous. This results in what’s called neuroplastic pain: a false alarm. When that happens repeatedly, your brain creates neural pathways that it then re-travels like a well-worn trail. Freeing oneself from pain involves interrupting those old neural pathways and replacing them with calm new pathways: “These are safe, normal sensations.”
“Though the pain can be addressed psychologically, this does not imply that the pain is imaginary.” — Pain Reprocessing Therapy Center
Lesson #3: Anxiety is a nerve problem.
During those long years of treating and trying to prevent the spasms, it never once occurred to me that my growing anxiety was making things worse. I didn’t even recognize that I was becoming chronically anxious. I’m still hesitant to admit that. I struggle with perfectionism but am trying to get better about that. Of course.
Curable offered meditations, visualizations, somatic tracking, and exercises I performed daily – bringing my usual driven, Type A personality to the process – which, as it turned out, was not helpful. Along with anxiety, perfectionism and self-criticism can amplify pain. I learned to let go a little. To work a bit less diligently at this project. To “calm the F down” – a phrase I adopted because it made me laugh, thus having the desired effect of soothing my nervous system.
I also read books (such as The Way Out by Alan Gordon); read research validating the effectiveness of this method; listened to podcasts (Like Mind, Like Body; Tell Me About Your Pain); and met with an extremely kind and helpful pain-reprocessing therapist named Sarah Agnew at Los Angeles’ Pain Psychology Center.
Nine months later, my back is fine.
MY BACK IS FINE! OMG what a relief.
Weirdly, I now believe there was nothing wrong with it. That it really was a brain mistake. During all those suffering and solution-seeking years, it never occurred to me to literally change my mind about it. Or that I could.
I still have ordinary, manageable orthopedic pain elsewhere. But none incapacitates me the way those muscle spasms did.
I love saying “did.” Rather than “do.”
Of course I’m not a superhero. I’m just feeling elated and powerful. I found what feels like a miracle cure for chronic pain – and it’s right here in my brain.
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Disclaimer: I am not being paid or rewarded in any way for mentioning any of the products, organizations, or people in this story.
“Gateway hug” —Did that just pop into your head? Delightful.
I started a new private/mini account so I can follow you!